Thursday, November 15, 2012

Hallelujah! Major milestone!

It finally happened. After four and a half months, I finally heard this song without bursting into tears. I only welled up a little and then sucked it up and kept my cool. It's a huge milestone for me.

If you listen to the words and you know anything about me and this year of change for our family you'll perhaps understand why it moves me so much. I secretly always imagined Willy singing it to me (y'know.. if he had a Phillip Phillips kind of voice.) I'm not sure if it's the increased air time that the song is getting on the radio these days, or if I'm actually adjusting and getting comfortable in my new home, but I'm grateful that the tears didn't fall today when I heard the song in the car because up until today tears were the natural consequence of hearing the tune.

Other sure fire ways to make Angie burst into tears these past few months include:

  • Having to change my shipping address for online orders and billing address with various financial accounts
  • Hearing the word "aloha", especially when friends in Hawaii say it to me as a farewell when we're hanging up the phone
  • Catching myself and writing "Thank you" at the end of my notes instead of "Mahalo"
  • Seeing a photo of a familiar Hawaiian place (Facebook has been fairly brutal since I have so many friends in Hawaii who post pics of their day-to-day... May I take this moment to apologize for sharing so many Hawaiian pictures in the past. Now I understand how it may have been perceived as rubbing paradise in your face. I promise it was never my intention, just like I know it's not my Hawaiian friends' intention to make me weep when they post a picture of Ko'Olina or a rainbow or a sunset over the Pacific.)
  • Watching Hawaii Five-0 and recognizing streets I've driven down, beaches I've played on, familiar landmarks and locations.
  • Having a Hawaiian business call me and listening to familiar Hawaiian hold music
  • Hearing about friends who are going on vacation to Hawaii and wondering if I'll ever get to go back
  • Getting email newsletters from Hawaiian businesses that I subscribed to for special deals and not being able to use them
  • Thinking I look kind of sickly and then realizing that I'm just paler because my tan is fading
  • Seeing my two best friends in Hawaii dancing hula together
  • Hearing fighter pilots at the air show we went to a couple weeks ago (The military presence on O'ahu is huge and we would have F-18s and F-22s fly over our home frequently. When we'd hear them roaring overhead we'd almost always run to a window to see if we could catch a glimpse of them and identify what kind of plane they were.)
  • Hearing "WHY would you leave Hawaii?!" for the gajillionth time in a day

The reality, thank goodness, is that the tears come less frequently now. For the first couple months I sunk into a pretty deep depression. I tried to cover it up and keep it bottled inside, but I think it's fair to say that I was miserable and holding myself down. I finally clawed my way out of the pit I was in, started exercising again, gave socializing with new people a half-hearted attempt, and faced the things that hurt me the deepest instead of avoiding them (like dancing hula... it took me almost two months after leaving Hawaii before I could emotionally handle turning on my hula music and letting it move me again.)

This particular move has been one of the biggest trials of my life. I suppose that probably sounds pretty dramatic, but it's my reality. It's been hard. Plain and simple. But I'm so grateful to be finally coming out of the funk I've been in for a good chunk of this year, and I'm grateful that my family didn't give up on me as I've gotten through this. They've all thrived here. I've felt like I'm barely surviving, let alone thriving. But I've been able to "hold on to [them] as we go. As we roll down this unfamiliar road."

And I know I'm not alone. We're finding a way to make this new place our home.


  1. and now my eyes are full of tears.....
    So sorry to ever contribute to your pain,
    you are irreplaceable.

    I've moved so many times, I know exactly how you feel, and this song says it so well.

    Love you and Miss you!!

    1. Don't you dare apologize. Seeing you and Michelle dance is bittersweet now, not painful! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you've joined her and that we all share the passion now. Someday when we're all together again we'll have a raging hula dance party LOL.

  2. You do a pretty good job of hiding it. You always seem so upbeat when I see you. I know how you feel though. And after talking last night, it seems like we have a lot in common. Beginnings and Endings are tough, its the middle that's so gratifying! Hang in there!